Stronger

2010 brought a season of change on many fronts: disappointment, sadness and grief has left my head spinning. Always able to burn the candle at both ends and juggle multiple plates over my head, my “normal” abruptly turned upside down. My new “normal” became mental and physical exhaustion, memory lapses and uncharacteristic confusion, financial upheaval, and a surge in ADHD symptoms leaving me with with inability to concentrate.

Up before 5:30am, out the door by 7:05, at work by 8:00, full throttle, all cylinders fully engaged straight through till 5pm. Eating lunch at my desk while continuing to work. By 3pm, my brain is crispy-fried and dreams of doing absolutely n.o.t.h.i.n.g. dance through my head.

Before this season, the desire to just sit down and do nothing was so foreign to me, I began to wonder if I’d lost a few of my marbles.

Maybe there would never be any going back. Maybe I was entering a new, frightening stage of life where I was nothing more than an automaton, living my life on an assembly line of schedules and tasks.

I asked a lot of questions in 2010.

I’ve questioned my worth
As an employee
As a mother
As a wife
As a daughter
As a leader
As a woman.

I questioned my calling
my sanity
my motives
my judgment
my abilities
my intelligence
my place among this frail humanity.

When asked why I’m not the same old Kim I was a few months ago, I found it difficult to put into words. Then I finally hit on it.

I have nothing left to give.

During this last year, I've reached the place of feeling totally inadequate.

Maybe that's exactly where He needed me to be.

Today I drug my tired, inadequate behind out of the office and into my car for the long commute home.

“When will this vicious cycle end? It seems all I do is work, drive home, eat dinner, shower and go to bed. There might be a couple of conversations with my husband somewhere in there too. Otherwise, I don't get a lot of “Kim” time. Time to study deeply, enjoy a movie, or write, or play music.”

Shoved the key into the ignition and turned it. Out of my radio – always at full blast, because that's the way I like it – Mandisa's voice poured out. But I didn't recognize the lyrics.

Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain't right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you're asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather

Oh, don't hang your head
It's gonna end
God's right there
Even if it's hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares

There is no such thing as a coincidence.

Instantly, I knew in my heart that God ordained that song to be played at that minute. Just for ME. He knows that my heart longs heavily for what once was. He knows my passion and desires and He certainly knows that I needed to hear a little unsolicited encouragement. And while He was at it, a little explanation for my current situation...

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger

Nothing He allows into my life is without purpose. This IS gonna make me stronger.

I have to believe that this season will soon give way to a spiritual Springtime, with the sweet promise of growth and bounty. He makes all things new. He makes no mistakes. He has given me glimpses of what will be, if I just stick close Him and keep pressing on. As long as this body has breath, I have a God-sized purpose to fulfill.

Excuse me, but I have some unfinished writing to get back to.


From Mandisa's new album to be released in the Spring

Stronger
Artist: Mandisa
Album: What If We Were Real?

Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain't right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you're asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather

Oh, don't hang your head
It's gonna end
God's right there
Even if it's hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you ...

Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it's gonna end
God's right there
Even when you just can't feel Him
I promise you that He still cares

'Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
In time it's gonna get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger