The Sea of Forgetfullness

My 16 year old daughter has an odd obsession with the 80’s band Duran Duran. My husband has all the music videos from “back in the day” and they will both sit and watch the silly things for hours on end. Over and over. And they dissect the visual story – the hair, the outfits, the lighting, the props, the moves - as though they are strategizing over world peace.

As if their critique could change any of it.

Siskel and Ebert they are NOT.

It’s slightly amusing … but annoying … and futile.

I am one of those who relive regrettable moments in my past, only to beat myself up about it again and again. I will drive past an old haunt, catch a glimpse of a face from the past, or hear a snippet of conversation that takes me back to a time that I’d rather forget. Permanently. Wipe it from my mind as though it never happened.

I sit in the darkened theatre of my mind and cringe as I watch myself wallowing in the mire of sin. And wonder how I ever got to that point. If I’d only done this. Or not gone there. Or just said no. Things would be different. I would be different.

I’m not so different from my husband and daughter sitting in front of the TV, dissecting thirty year old music videos.

And is God amused? Annoyed? Saddened?

Because my what I am doing IS futile.

Too many moments have been wasted rehashing an unchangeable past.

I cannot change my past. But I can change whether I allow it to hinder or improve me.

If God wanted us to forget our past, He could wipe it from our memory altogether. But He does not. We need to remember from whence we came, so we can fully appreciate the Hand of Grace that we rest in today.

But neither does He intend for us to berate ourselves over and over for past transgressions. He has already forgiven and cast those sins into the depths of the sea (Micah 7:19). He will no longer remember, act on or think about those sins that have been forgiven (Jeremiah 31:45).

2010 is moments away. I declare that this is the year in which I am breaking the chains of my past that the enemy has used to tie me down for so long.

Psalm 103:12 – As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

My sins are erased, they are no more, they're on the ocean floor. (Audio Adreneline)

The choice of contentment

Either I’m maturing spiritually or else I’m just getting too old to care anymore. I’d like to think it’s the former.

This Christmas isn’t about the presents. The depressed economy is depressing our funds, which depresses our ability to purchase expensive gifts for our family. Of course, every year the supply of money never seems to be enough to purchase adequate gifts. I’ve always had some ridiculous, self-imposed minimum standard that must be spent on each family member. And each year, I would work feverishly, juggling bills to make sure I had enough cash available to purchase the appropriately expensive gifts.

This year, the cash just isn’t there. And you know what? I’m actually at peace about it. I’m not worried about it. I’m working on personal, thoughtful gifts, put together with love. And I didn’t even buy one single Christmas decoration. Not even the little doo-hickeys that the ornaments hang on. Not even gift tags. What I already have is sufficient. Handmade gift tags will do just fine.

I have always wrestled with being content. Always thought that it was up to me to do better, to get better, to have better. To describe me as competitive is a feeble understatement. I am my own biggest competition.

Nicer clothes. Better vehicle. Fancier home. Higher profile career. More expensive trinkets, food, hobbies. Aren’t we well trained to be discontent with what we have?

But Jesus has been making sure I hear the message on contentment this past year. A lot. Whether it was Pastor, Joyce Meyer, Beth Moore, or an article, devotion or blog I read – that same old contentment rhetoric seemed to be repeated everywhere I turned. Over and over. Hmmmmmm.

I may be slow, but I guess He deems me worth waiting on.

This is one of those mountains that I’ve been marching round and round, wearing a trench – who am I kidding? It’s a stinkin' moat, for crying out loud! – around the base. It’s high time I get this lesson under my belt and move on. Or else, I'll have to listen to that message a few more hundred times.

I’ve learned that God is pleased when we are content in whatever circumstance we find ourselves. And when we don’t appreciate what He’s already given us, He’s likely not interested in blessing us with more. Oh, and just in case you were wondering, pretend-contentment won’t work. God has the uncanny ability to see right through that junk.

So I’ve made the choice to be content. After a while, that choice is becoming habit. Eventually I won’t have to even think about it. Contentment will come as naturally to me as breathing.

This is God’s gift to me this Christmas. It’s been a long lesson that culminates in a particularly sweet kind of peace I’ve longed for all my life. The by-product of this gift is a wonderful release from anxiety and stress. Who knew that discontentment could be so tiring?

I’ve still got a lot of rough edges. Wonder what lesson He’s got planned for 2010?